Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
