your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
