My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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