She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
