I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
