Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
