Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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