I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
