On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
