i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
