Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
