Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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