If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
