The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
