If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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