theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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