I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Randomize
