dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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