My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
