apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
