I am full of burrito and curiosity
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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