Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
