they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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