I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
