My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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