i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Randomize
