tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
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