I just cut my nipple shaving
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
