Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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