dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Is Oprah even human
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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