ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
