i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize
