I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
