I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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