I just threw up on my dentist
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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