At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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