Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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