The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
