I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
