I'm gonna have a badass scar
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
