he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
