So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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