I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
