hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
