i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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