Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
