Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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