If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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