while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
