I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
