I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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