I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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